Humor and irony at the partner's address
In each person you can find funny features, no one is right when they laugh at him. Z. Freud evaluated humor as a symbolic destruction of the enemy. Negative assessment is unpleasant, but it is not annihilation, though symbolic.
Sometimes a distinction is made between satire and humor, saying that humor is a kind warm mockery that helps to live more easily. Both satire and humor aimed at a partner act as conflict agents. The difference between them is that satire is a "hard humor" which involves accusation, but simply humor involves only a negative assessment, but not an accusation.
The conflict with irony is the same as the partner's. F. Nietzsche compared an ironic person with a dog that bites and simultaneously smiles.
A peculiarity of humor and irony aimed at a partner is that it is more difficult to defend oneself against them than from a negative evaluation, because jokes are not accepted to be offended. The ironic person does not receive feedback from the partner in communication and does not know that he has accumulated anger towards him. In a difficult moment, the joker gets a blow from someone he once offended. Want to have enemies-ironize.
If you really want to be ironic and humorous to speak out, it's better to direct humor to yourself, to sneer about yourself. You can not become an enemy, but you will be right.
Excessive confidence in one's righteousness, which manifests itself in categorical statements, under which one establishes his own point of view and overthrows what seems to be a right and valuable partner, does not contribute to creating a trusting relationship, as it provokes confrontation. Excessive confidence is demonstrated by categorical statements in a rather categorical form: "I'm sure", "unambiguously", "no doubt" etc. The use of such statements usually causes the opponent to doubt or disprove this uncontested statement.
Categorical statements "yes-no", "black-white", "bad-good", "shave-shaved" etc., usually indicates a so-called "frog thinking" man, in which he perceives the world only in the opposite categories. As joking: students: "The teacher has two points of view: one is his, the others are wrong."
Conflictogenicity of categorical statements is that even if they are correct, their acceptance means recognition of the incorrectness of the person's original point of view, i.e. recognition of their defeat, and this is unacceptable for many.
Categoricality is particularly annoying when the point of view we adopt is far from common. Saying categorically, we kind of coerce people: "Think like me!"
In contrast to the conflict of categorical, it is necessary to cultivate the synthon of uncertainty. The concepts "certainty" and confidence & quot ;. It is necessary to think and speak clearly and definitely. You need to develop courage in your thoughts, but without too much self-confidence: "I think so, but let's discuss ..."
When syntonic behavior should be an invitation to discuss, to talk, an appeal to the opinion of the partner. Not statements, but joint reasoning, where such phrases are appropriate:
• It seems to me ...
• Am I not mistaken in believing that ...
Any proposal should always be offered in the order of the discussion.
Absolutely inappropriate categorical when discussing a partner's behavior. Categorical always and never should be replaced with very often & quot ;, typically & quot ;, sometimes & quot ;, extremely rare & quot ;, with a high probability & quot ;.
Compare the categorical and non-categorical statements (Table 10.1) and note for yourself which of them are more conflict-prone.
Table 10.1. Categorical and non-categorical statements
You never do not listen to me to the end
It's a pity, but, as a rule, you do not listen to me to the end
You always complain about objective circumstances
Strange, but you tend to sometimes complain
You always are justified
I'm sorry, but you tend to sometimes justify
"Be careful with those who say:" You did not understand me, "" I do not agree with you, "- in this case he himself without realizing calls you a fool."
Imposing Tips appears as an imposition of your opinion. When the interlocutor imposes his opinion, others may have a desire to do the opposite. The adviser takes the position of superiority and, as a rule, achieves the opposite effect - distrust and desire to act differently. Moreover, it should not be forgotten that advice given in the presence of others is perceived as a reproach. It is also worth remembering that when you give advice, you make enemies. He who consults is a helpless person, willing to absolve himself of responsibility. If later it does not work very well, i.e. whom to blame. Wise Socrates, when someone consulted with him, whether to marry him or not, remarked: "Do as you know, all the same, then repent."
Do not advise! But if you want to advise, advise no more than once, then refer to incompetence
Establishing a trust relationship is facilitated by seeking advice, which, however, can be used in manipulative actions.
Do you want to know a person? Consult with him, and you will know him by the ways he acts in a similar situation. " "The one who does not want to take responsibility is advised. A mature man asks for help. " "It's better to be mistaken than to succeed by taking advantage of someone else's advice." You want to acquire enemies - advise. The better advice, the more powerful the enemy is. "
Interrupting the interlocutor, as well as increasing the voice or the desire to send another, not only that is impolite, but also very conflicty. The one who does this, by all appearance, shows that it is necessary to listen to him only, that his thoughts are more valuable than the thoughts of others.
A recommendation to those who believe that his thoughts and reasonings are more significant than those of others: think, maybe, good thoughts happen to you much less often than you think? A well-known physicist A. Einstein wrote something in a small notebook. He explained to the curious that he was recording a good idea that had come to his mind. L why such a small notebook? - the man did not stop. "And because good thoughts come to mind a little," - answered Einstein.
Listening carefully to the interlocutor, we seem to give priority to the speaker's thoughts before his (hidden compliment). And, on the contrary, interrupting it, we as though speak: "Listen better than me, my thoughts are more valuable than yours." And everything you want to say, I already know. "
The rigid resistance to interruption should be regarded as negative, as it indicates that their thoughts are evaluated more highly than those that the interlocutor wants to express.
But not only the interruption of the partner and the tough resistance to interruption are conflict. In itself, a long monologue, when a person speaks for a long time, listening to himself, is also conflict. As it was written before, the best form of communication is dialogue.
A very effective psychotechnical device is to let yourself be killed.
Listen to the communication partner to the end, if you do not want to reveal your secrets. "
Any signs of rejection of another person, his ignoring, are a cheap conflict-like way to assert themselves. The signs of rejection include a gloomy face, ignoring the other, silence as avoiding communication, increasing psychological distance, forgetting the name.
In contrast, signs of sincere acceptance of another person - positive attention, smile, appeal by name, reduction of psychological distance relieve tension and promote business communication.
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