Relationship between spouses and their parents
These relationships are a problem that often arises independently of the personal relationships of the spouses themselves, but can have some impact on them. Mutual relations of spouses with parents and with each other, as a rule, do not coincide, and this in itself creates difficulties that must be overcome in the family, in the practice of psychological counseling.
Before discussing the specifics of counseling for a given problem, we will consider particular cases of this problem and, accordingly, questions about which parents and spouses can apply to psychological counseling.
First of all, we should note that we must probably distinguish two different types of relations: the relationship of the spouse with their own parents and the relationship of one spouse with the parents of the other spouse.
In turn, the first type of relationship can have the following private options: spouse - father, spouse - mother, spouse - grandfather, husband - grandmother, and relations of the second kind - similar options, but representing relationships with parents and older members family of another spouse.
Typical problems that arise in the types of relationships under consideration are the following.
1. One or both spouses do not have a relationship with their parents for some reason.
2. One or both spouses, for some reason or another, do not have a relationship with the parents of the other spouse.
In the nerve of these cases, the following particular problems may arise.
Option 1. The daughter had problems in the relationship with her husband. In the opinion of her father, the daughter herself is responsible for the appearance of these problems, and in the mother's opinion her husband is to blame. As a result, the relationship between the daughter and the father complicated the relationship, but in this conflict, the mother is on the side of her daughter and in fact supports her. As for her husband's daughter, his father shares his position.
Option 2. The daughter got married, and had a family problems. The mother believes that this is the fault of her daughter, and in fact supports her husband in conflict with his daughter. Father also believes that her daughter is not guilty, but her husband is to blame for everything.
Option 3. In the family of the daughter in her relationship with her husband there were problems. Both parents believe that their daughter is at fault, and are opposed to her.
Option 4. The son got married, and his family had problems. The mother believes that this is his own fault, while the father takes the opposite position.
Option 5. The son got married, and a disagreement arose in his family. Father believes that his son is to blame for this, and his wife supports in the conflict. But the mother, on the contrary, stands on the son's side and is opposed to the daughter-in-law.
Option 6. Both the mother and the father are unanimous in that in the conflict that arose in the family of their son, he himself is to blame.
Option 7. The son got married, and he had problems with his family. The mother supports the son, blames the daughter-in-law for the appearance of these problems. The son, however, does not agree with this and protects his wife from mother's attacks. As a result, an additional conflict arises between the son and the mother. The father either stands on the side of his son, or takes a neutral position.
Option 8. The son got married, but his family does not go well. Father believes that the daughter-in-law is to blame for this, but her son defends her father's attacks. As a result, a conflict arises between the father and the son. The mother is on her son's side.
Option 9. A son has his own family, for some reason they do not add up for a drink. The parents of the son believe that the daughter-in-law is to blame, and the son, on the contrary, defends his wife.
Option 10. The daughter got married, and her family had problems. The father of the daughter believes that her husband is to blame for this, and her daughter does not agree with him and protects her husband. The mother is on the side of her daughter.
Option 11. The daughter got married, but she does not have a relationship in the family. Mother believes that her husband is to blame, and her daughter does not think so. The father is on the side of his daughter.
Option 12. In the family, the daughter does not get along with her husband. Both the father and mother of the daughter claim that her husband is to blame for this. But the daughter herself has a different opinion and stands on her husband's side. As a result, a conflict arises between the daughter and her parents.
Option 13. The daughter got married. In her family, from the point of view of her and her husband, everything is more or less well. However, her daughter's mother does not think so, constantly makes remarks to her daughter and teaches her how to live. As a result, a conflict arises between her and her daughter. Father in this conflict takes a neutral position, without actually interfering in the conflict.
Option 14. The son got married. In his own family, according to himself and his wife, everything is quite normal. But the son's father does not think so and tries to teach his son how to behave and build relationships in the family. The son resists the morals of his father, and eventually a conflict arises between him and his father. Mother in this conflict takes a neutral position.
Option 15. The son got married, and in his family everything is quite well. In any case, both he and his wife think so. However, his son's parents claim that he lives wrong, and constantly read him moral teachings. The son rejects them, and eventually a conflict arises between him and his parents.
We have considered in some detail various variants of intra-family relations in which the relationship of one of the spouses does not develop with the parents. The number of such options could be significantly increased if, for example, to the cases already described, we would add situations of conflict between young spouses with both parents.
We note that problems related to bilateral conflicts of young spouses with parents (conflicts involving both spouses) during psychological counseling are fundamentally resolved in the same way as unilateral conflicts (those involving only one of the spouses) . They, however, are technically more difficult to resolve, since they require more effort and time.
However, we will not consider these conflicts separately, believing that for the practical conduct of psychological counseling, it is sufficient that what will be said about the above described fifteen variants of such conflicts.
Now we will consider possible variants of intra-family problems in the relationship of one of the spouses with the parents of the other spouse.
Variant 16. A wife does not get along with her husband's mother. The husband's father occupies a neutral position in this conflict, and the husband stands on the side of his wife and actually opposes the mother.
Option 17. A wife does not get along well with her husband's mother. The father of the husband, however, supports his daughter-in-law, and the husband also stands on the side of his wife.
Option 18. A young son's wife did not have a normal relationship with the father and mother of her husband. The husband supports his wife in conflict with his mother and father.
Option 19. In the family, the young wife did not have a relationship with her father or with her husband's mother. Her husband is also on the side of his parents. Thus, the young spouse confronts the entire family of her husband alone.
In addition to these six variants of private interpersonal conflicts, six other variants could be mentioned, where the husband plays the main opposition role in a young family, and relations between the rest of the family are the same as in the previous cases. There are at least twelve different private options where the parents of one of the spouses are the oldest members of a large family: grandfather and grandmother. We will not consider these variants of intra-family conflicts separately, since the principal ways of solving the intra-family problems connected with them are already contained in the above variants of conflicts, numbers 16-19.
We will now discuss what the counselor psychologist could advise the client in cases corresponding to the above-mentioned particular variants of intra-family conflicts.
Option 1. In this case, two opposing, internally psychologically solidary pairs resist each other: male and female. The peculiarity of this intra-family conflict is that in each of the opposing couples, a man supports a man and a woman is a woman.
This is a conflict of the so-called patriarchal property, since it partly reproduces outdated relations in the family between men and women and is to a certain extent based on in-sex solidarity.
In order to understand this conflict and find ways of its practical solution, it is necessary to take a number of steps.
Invite each of the couples involved in the conflict to discuss the conflict situation between themselves (between husband and wife) again.
It is desirable that during this discussion the spouses agree on how to resolve this conflict. Then the consent of the spouses to each other neutralizes the family conflict based on intra-gender solidarity. This requires as much time and effort as it takes to get the spouses to agree with each other. Daughters, in turn, need to meet separately with their father and hold a conversation with him in the presence of her husband. By the time this conversation begins, the husband must be set up to support his wife or take a neutral position in the conflict between her and the father.
The outcome of the conversation between the daughter and the father can be an agreement on the observance of certain general rules of conduct, helping to avoid similar conflicts in the future. The daughter informs the mother and her husband about the content of the contract.
Option 2. The situation corresponding to this option is psychologically related to the jealousy of mother and father about daughter. The father loves the daughter very much, and the mother treats this jealously. In turn, the father in this situation can be jealous of her husband's husband, believing that the husband to his wife should in this case be treated in the same way as her own father.
The conflict between the mother and the daughter, arising in this case, can have a more objective basis than simply uncritical, unconditional support of the daughter from her father's side and, as a consequence, the blame for what is happening on the son-in-law.
The main psychocorrectional work of the consultant in this case should be conducted with the father and daughter. The psychologist should be able to show them that the mother and husband of the daughter in the current conflict situation are basically right that the relationship of the daughter with the father can not be transferred unconditionally to the relationship of the wife with the husband and expect that the husband will be as condescending to his wife as the father to favorite daughter.
It is necessary to try to convince the father and daughter that one can not count on repeating in the daughter's family the same relationship as that of the daughter and father in the parent family. A daughter in her own family, as a rule, has a little less rights and slightly more responsibilities than her parents' family, which is natural.
Option 3. Both parents stand on the side of the husband of their daughter. This conflict, at first glance, seems simple and obvious. If both parents in the unfavorable situation in the young family blame their daughter for what is happening and at the same time support her husband, then the parents are more likely to be right, but the daughter does not like it.
Basically and most often it happens. However, in the conflict between two young people, husband and wife, almost never happens in the family, so that only one party is entirely responsible for everything, and the other side has always been right in everything. Even if one person - husband or wife in the family - constantly behaves differently than he should, and provokes conflict with his actions, then the other side always has the opportunity to avoid conflict, not to succumb to provocation. If the other party does not take advantage of this opportunity, then there is a fault in the conflict that has arisen, because this side has not done everything possible to avoid conflict.
Therefore, if both parents are against their daughter and both are on the side of her husband, this does not mean that only one daughter is to blame for everything. From this, the counselor-psychologist must also proceed, looking for ways to resolve this conflict situation.
We recommend that you act step-by-step and consistently.
• In the presence or absence of a daughter, you should carefully listen to the claims of the parents to her and, if she was not present during the conversation, be sure to inform her about it.
• In the presence of the parents or in their absence, one must also deal with the daughter's claims to them in the same detail, and necessarily inform the parents if they were not present during the conversation of the counselor psychologist with the daughter.
• It is advisable to highlight those issues on which there are differences of opinion between the parents and the daughter. Invite them to look for compromise solutions on these issues and, if necessary, help them. It is also important to ensure that the husband does not object to the concessions that his wife is going to make to his parents.
• It is useful for all family members: it is useful for the husband, daughter, and her parents to meet together and in the presence of the counselor-psychologist openly, with the witnesses to agree on how they will behave and settle the disputed issues in the situations in which they used to have conflicts.
Variant 4. The socio-psychological situation corresponding to this type of conflict, less than the previous one, is complicated by the subjective attitudes of the parents, i.e. such attitudes that in themselves can serve as a serious cause, a catalyst for the conflict. Therefore, in this situation, first of all, one must seek the objective causes of the conflict.
The divergences in the positions of the father and mother can be generated by various circumstances, in particular the fact that both the mother and the father draw attention to the different sides of the conflict that has arisen.
This situation, the counselor-psychologist should first discuss with the parents, having achieved during the conversation with them that in their claims to the son they came to an agreement with each other. Then it will be necessary to give the opportunity to the son to express himself about the essence of the conflict and the content of the claims of the parents.
At the conclusion of this part of the conversation, it is desirable to give the son the opportunity to try to solve the problem situation that has arisen in his relationship with his wife, taking into account the opinion of the parents.
If the husband and wife are able to come to an agreement, the parents will have to give in and withdraw their claims, provided that the conflict issue is not fundamental, such that a compromise is not possible.
Variant 5. This variant of the intra-family conflict is mirrored as opposed to one of the variants of conflicts already considered and displays a situation similar to one of the previous ones. His interpretation and method of resolution are similar to option 2, with the only difference being that the positions of the father and mother in assessing the behavior of their son in the family are opposite.
Variant 6. This variant of the intrafamily conflict mirrors the conflict we already considered in variant 3, therefore everything that was mentioned in the discussion of the corresponding variant applies to it.
Variant 7. Here, apparently, the fact is that the mother-in-law is rather jealous and prejudices her daughter-in-law. The son is aware of this and therefore sometimes actively, sometimes passively protects his wife from mother's attacks.
However, the specificity of this conflict lies in the fact that the more a son defends his wife, the worse a mother concerns her. This is the psychological essence and at the same time the reason for the difficult solvability of this conflict. The father and son in this case are actually right, but the mother does not recognize them and does not understand them.
In order to unravel this life's collision, it is first of all necessary to talk separately with the daughter-in-law and try to convince her to be more condescending to her mother-in-law, given her weaknesses, as a mother who loves her child without a trace.
It is desirable to convince the daughter-in-law, as far as possible, not to react to the provocative, conflicting actions of her mother-in-law. It is all the more appropriate that the son actually stands on the side of his wife and opposes his mother.
It is even better - to encourage the daughter-in-law on her own initiative to make any positive steps towards the mother-in-law, try to arrange it for herself, and do it quite sincerely. Even if this does not lead to a 100% desired result, i.e. to a noticeable change in the better attitude of the mother-in-law to the daughter-in-law, this step nevertheless still should be taken. He is able to significantly reduce the degree of hostility between the daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law. In addition, the son-husband will have nothing to reproach his wife: for her part she has done everything possible to establish relations with her husband's mother.
Secondly, all the other members of the family who occupy a neutral position in this conflict should agree among themselves to continue not to notice, not react to the mother's attacks against the daughter-in-law. This, as a rule, leads to the desired positive result.
War and ant 8. In the case of this conflict, it is obvious that the fate of the son in one hundred own family is jealous of the father, not the mother. On the contrary, it takes a more objective position. To resolve the conflict, it is necessary that his father and his daughter-in-law talk with their father and then together and try to convince him that there is nothing happening in the son's family that should arouse the anxiety and anxiety of his father. If the mother joins this conversation, the result will be more weighty.
Variant 9. This conflict situation often occurs in families where the only child is a son whom both parents do not want to part with, and they continue to treat him not as a member of another family and the husband of their wife, but only as to their own own child. Due to their specific, subjective-parental attitudes, the parents of the son expect that to him in his new family will be treated the same way as they treated him in their family. They want exactly the same attitude to their son on the part of the daughter-in-law and her parents, which is completely unjustified.
The role of the son in the family and the role of the husband are two different roles, very different from each other, both in terms of rights and duties. The situation that arises in the family in the given conflict is further complicated by the fact that a young man, becoming independent and loving his wife, usually soon begins to understand that his parents are not right about everything in his relationship to his wife. However, he does not dare to tell them about it openly, afraid to offend them.
As a result, in an effort to be fair and objective, he finds himself in a position of a difficult internal conflict. If he takes the side of his wife, he will quarrel with his parents; if he takes the side of his parents, it will be unfair to his wife. He does not want neither one nor the other, but he does not know what to do in this case either.
Young people who most often turn to psychological counseling on this matter can be recommended first of all to talk with their wife and try to explain to her why parents are unhappy with her behavior, giving her also to understand that she considers the parents' opinion not quite fair.
The main thing that a young husband should convince his wife is to show her that he personally understands the wrongness of his parents and actually stands with his wife. At the same time, he needs to make it clear to his wife that, so treating the daughter-in-law, parents themselves do not realize the injustice of their relationship to the end, they are not able to fully control their behavior, so they can be forgiven.Having achieved mutual understanding with his wife, the young spouse can further agree with her on joint actions with respect to her parents - such actions that can remove psychological tension and eliminate the conflict.
Such actions, for example, could be the following steps.
First, do not tell parents what is happening in the family of young people, especially about the problems that arise in it and the disagreements between the young spouses. They must solve such problems on their own, as prejudiced parents will not help them, but will only worsen the situation.
Secondly, it is desirable to learn not to react to unfair remarks of parents and not take them to heart.
Thirdly, invariably maintaining a benevolent and respectful attitude towards parents, giving them a firm grasp that their opinion is not accepted.
Fourthly, carefully observe, capture and use to reduce psychological tension every moment when parents are in good spirits.
Simultaneously, it is advisable in the psychological consultation itself, separately from the children-young couples-to hold an individual meeting with the parents. Here the key role will be played by a counselor-psychologist. His main task is to have a positive impact on his parents, to change their attitude to the daughter-in-law.
Option 10. In this conflict, the father's attitude towards the daughter may be subjective. This is usually evidenced by the fact that both the daughter and the mother are opposing the father, protecting the daughter's husband.
A certain amount of guilt in this conflict may be related to the behavior of the daughter's husband. Since the daughter and family protect her husband, they do not consider him guilty of this conflict situation. Here the daughter definitely loves her husband, cherishes marriage and her family, does not want problems in her because of the father's prejudice against his son-in-law. The position of the daughter is well understood and accepted by the mother.
In this regard, the mother and daughter will play the main role in resolving the intra-family conflict. The first task of the daughter is to convince her father that things in her own family are fine.
After the father's position has softened somewhat under the influence of his daughter and he will be ready to calmly discuss the situation with her and her husband, it is desirable to organize such a personal meeting with the mother's participation (the latter being mainly the role of an arbiter seeking a compromise between the other participants in the conflict) .The content of a joint conversation between the members of two families, young and parental, could be a calm, balanced, reasoned discussion of disputes, clarification of the positions of each of the parties, a search for a compromise between them, an agreement on how in the future each of the parties involved in conflict, will have to behave in order to avoid its recurrence or exacerbation.
Option 11. This situation in the social-role and psychological plans, in fact, is symmetric in the previous situation. The difference between them is only that the mother and father in their relationship to her daughter, as it were, changed roles. Therefore the problem arising in this case is solved in principle in the same way as in the previous case.
Option 12. The situation corresponding to this variant of the conflict is somewhat more complicated than the two previous situations, since both parents are set up against the daughter in the intra-family conflict: both the mother and the father. They are more difficult to convince each other than each individually, since they support each other, and willingly or unwillingly will jointly resist persuasion. Nevertheless, this can be achieved if the following recommendations are strictly followed.
First of all, the daughter and her husband must discuss the problem with each other and agree with each other that they need to find out the relationship with their parents and meet with them in order to resolve the conflict. Such a meeting, however, needs to be specially prepared, and such preparation includes the following steps.
The daughter and her husband will need to clearly understand what kind of claims parents make to them. Then they will need to think about how these claims can be eliminated. If young spouses in something can cede to parents, then it will be necessary to do so. If in some way they can not go to meet their parents, then they together, confidently and calmly will have to tell their parents, having justified their position.
Parents will also need to prepare for such a meeting. A psychologist consultant should explain to parents that without mutual understanding and mutual concessions on their part and on the part of children, it is unlikely that they will be able to resolve the conflict that has arisen.
Preparing for the upcoming conversation, parents will also have to work out a joint, compromise position that would suit not only them but also children.
During the conversation, participants will need to find a mutually acceptable solution to the issues on which they have differences. If this requires organizing and holding more than one meeting, then this should be done. It can hardly be expected that complex intrafamily and inter-family conflicts can be successfully resolved for one or two personal meetings of participants.
Option 13. This conflict situation is most likely due to the fact that the mother presents to her daughter, her husband and the young family as a whole excessively high, unrealizable or unfair demands, ignoring the fact that none of the family members support it.
The reason for this behavior of the mother in relation to the daughter and her family may be that the mother, for some reason, considers herself entitled to interfere in the family life of her daughter, and secondly, is dissatisfied with the fact that her daughter solves her family problems independently , without her participation.
A factor complicating this situation and making it potentially conflictual is often the mother's own negative character traits that become more acute with age and affect her relationships with surrounding people.
The client who applied for help in psychological counseling in such a situation, you can advise, firstly, to understand in detail whether there are really fair claims among the mother's mother and her family that the daughter could safely accept, yielding to his mother.
Secondly, to establish whether among these claims are those in which under no circumstances and in no case can not be conceded.
Thirdly, it is necessary to highlight those comments from the mother's side, the essence of which could be discussed and found a compromise solution.
Fourth, decide on what could be asked of his mother, so that henceforth the conflict situation 11c would arise.Finally, fifthly, it should be agreed with the husband and father about how to act in cases where the mother's weight will still behave, provoking a conflict. Speech in this case can go about such behavior of the daughter and other family members involved in the conflict, which would not allow the conflict itself to expand.
After that, the members of the two families - young and parental - should get together and hold a joint conversation, offering first to his mother to make their claims, and then give the floor to other family members.
In this case, it is not necessary to make any specific decisions. It's enough just to calmly and thoroughly discuss the situation, exchange opinions and give each member of the family an opportunity to think about how to live on. Such an exchange of views in itself can significantly reduce the severity of the conflict situation that has arisen.
Option 14. In this family conflict, the overall alignment of forces is similar to the one that developed in the previous situation. This conflict situation differs from her only in that the daughter and son, on the one hand, the mother and father, on the other hand, have changed their roles.
In this regard, this conflict situation is resolved in essentially the same way as the previous one. Here, however, it will be important to have a personal conversation between the son and the father, which should be more open between them than the mother-daughter conversation in the previous conflict situation.
Variant 15. In this situation, both parents are not satisfied with the family life of the son, and in this conflict they are confronted by two members of another family - a young one.
Well, this conflict situation is resolved as follows. The counselor-psychologist first in turn talks with members of both families separately and invites them to meet together in order to solve the problem. However, before such a meeting they (mother, father, son and his wife) will have to find out:
What specifically does not suit them in each other's positions and why?
What do they offer to solve the problem? (Here, each side must necessarily compromise, giving way to the other side.)
What issues are they ready to discuss together and find a compromise on them?
What issues would they not like to discuss for now?
On which issues do they have a definite opinion and are not going to change it?
Normal for finding a mutually acceptable solution in this conflict is a situation in which each of the conflicting parties is ready to give at least a third of all the issues proposed for discussion to the other side. Another third of the issues should be ready to discuss and seek a compromise solution on them. Finally, in no more than one third of the questions, they can adhere to a firm, uncompromising view.
If it turns out that the number of issues that the parties are not ready to discuss and compromise on them is greater than the number of questions about which they are willing to make concessions to each other, it means that at the given time they are not psychologically prepared yet to a productive meeting and to a constructive resolution of the conflict. This also means that individual work with them will need to continue.
It is important to ensure that before the joint meeting of the conflicting parties, clearly defined all the issues that gave rise to this conflict situation. It is also essential that in the role of arbitrator, either a counselor psychologist or a person authoritative for both families-a person who occupies a psychologically neutral but definitely interested in resolving the conflict-acted as an arbitrator in the discussion of disputable issues.
Variant 16. Here, in fact, we have one, the main conflict - mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, and another, derivative conflict - mother and son. If the first conflict can be resolved, it will automatically be resolved (unless, of course, it has gone too far) and another conflict. Therefore, all attention in the process of counseling here should be focused on the first of these conflicts.
Best if in this case it will be possible to organize and conduct a direct, frank and calm conversation between the daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law. The position of the daughter-in-law for a number of reasons, which will be briefly discussed below, should be more active and conciliatory than the position of the mother-in-law. However, without concessions from the mother-in-law, it will also be difficult to expect a successful resolution of the problem that has arisen.
It is believed that in a family consisting of young spouses and parents, the latter are older, and they, accordingly, should enjoy great respect and respect from young people. Such is the established family tradition for centuries.
In addition, people of the older generation for reasons of a purely age-related nature are, as a rule, less flexible in thinking and behavior than relatively young people. They, accordingly, will find it more difficult to abandon their already stated point of view or position than to young people.
Inviting mother-in-law to a personal conversation, the daughter-in-law first of all, will have to give her mother-in-law's voice and listen quietly and to the end of her claim. Then it will be reasonable for the daughter-in-law to be most thorough and reasoned, with a sense of sufficient respect for her husband's mother, to state her own point of view and explain her behavior in those cases and situations that cause displeasure to her mother-in-law.
A respectful and attentive attitude of the daughter-in-law to the mother-in-law can play a positive role in settling this conflict. It is likely that after seeing such an attitude towards herself, her mother-in-law will soften and change her behavior towards her daughter-in-law. Even if this does not happen, the husband and father, knowing that the daughter-in-law has made a step towards the mother-in-law in the conflict situation, will stand by her side.
By storing patience, it is possible in this case to get the mother-in-law to change her behavior and attitude to the daughter-in-law, if, of course, the rest of the family are united in their feelings and actions.
Option 17. This situation differs from the previous one in that on the side of the daughter-in-law, while taking a more active position in the conflict that has arisen, there is a father-in-law. In this case, not only is it possible, but also his personal, active participation with his son in conversation with the daughter-in-law is desirable. However, this conversation should still be conducted on the initiative of the daughter-in-law and the son.
Option 18. In this case, the conflict situation that has arisen is somewhat more difficult to resolve than the two previous situations. In her against the daughter-in-law in the parents' family, two very influential people are actually set up: her husband's mother and his father.
This conflict situation is often the result of the fact that the people concerned were originally opposed to the daughter-in-law, even before her son's marriage, even without knowing her in person, and still, despite everything, they allow demonstrating their prejudiced, a negative attitude towards it.
It is also possible that the husband's parents have objective claims to the daughter-in-law, caused, for example, by her own misconduct about the parents of the gels and her own family.
It often happens that such a conflict situation is caused by both simultaneously acting reasons, each of which aggravates the real state of affairs. However, in any case it is more reasonable to proceed with the resolution of this conflict from attempts to eliminate its objective reasons.
In the course of a conversation with a client (this is usually either the daughter-in-law, or her husband, or both of them combined), the counselor should find out the root of the problem and find the reasons for it. Then it is necessary to inform the client that the case, for example, is not only in the subjective, prejudiced position of the husband's parents, but also in the possible wrong actions of the daughter-in-law herself. If she really wants to change the situation for the better, then she will probably need to start with herself.
Then the counselor psychologist should agree with the client that the daughter-in-law herself, having critically analyzed her own behavior, without waiting for positive actions from her husband's parents, will herself take the initiative aimed at eliminating the conflict. For example, it will correct for itself the shortcomings of its own behavior.
If this does not resolve the conflict and does not eliminate the negative reaction from the parents of the husband, then, most likely, it will be difficult to expect rapid success. If the positive effect is obvious, then the conflict can be resolved.
If, after the daughter-in-law has made the reconciliation step towards the parents, and their position remains unchanged, it will be necessary to change the tactics. It is possible, for example, to the young spouses together (not only the daughter-in-law, but also her husband) to call the husband's parents for a frank conversation.
The initiative in this conversation will have to take on young people. They will have to tell the husband's parents that they want to settle the conflict from their side and are ready to do everything that depends on them. Young spouses will have to persistently ask parents to take reciprocal steps to meet them.
If such a conversation does take place, then it should lead to the resolution of the conflict situation that has arisen.
If, after such a conversation, parents do not change their position, the young spouses will have a full moral right to tell their parents that they are the cause of the conflict, and further demand that parents do not interfere in their family life. Perhaps such an extreme measure will have an effect and to some extent help smooth the tension that has arisen in the relationship.
Option 19. This is - one of the most difficult, difficult to resolve conflict situations, as against the daughter-in-law in this case everything is set: both the husband and his parents.
A typical reason for the occurrence of such a conflict situation is that the young husband and his parents are not quite happy with something, very serious, in the daughter-in-law. Such a position of conflicting parties in the family often leads to the disintegration of a young family, especially when young spouses do not have children. In order to prevent or remove such a conflict, it is urgent to take a number of active measures aimed at eliminating its causes.
How can a psychologist consultant help the client here?
First of all, together with the client, he must carefully analyze the situation that has arisen in order to definitely answer the following questions:
• What are the root causes of the conflict that has arisen?
• When, under what conditions did this conflict first appear?
• How did this conflict develop further?
• Did the client try to solve this conflict somehow by herself?
• How did the husband behave?
• How did her husband's parents react to the conflict that has arisen?
• What were they trying to do to solve it?
• What are the main problems, without the solution of which it is almost impossible to eliminate this conflict?
After receiving clear answers to all these questions, the counselor and client can further agree on joint actions aimed at resolving the conflict situation. The consultant should try to convince the client (client) of the need to have patience and meet the reasonable requirements of the husband and his parents. It is desirable that she learned to behave in such a way as not to complicate the situation and not to provoke negative responses by her unreasonable behavior by her husband's parents.
In turn, the counselor psychologist will have to commit himself to personally meet with the client's husband and separately - with his parents. During this meeting, he will have to convince the husband and his parents that the conflict that has arisen is necessary and possible to solve. To do this, however, they will have to go to meet their daughter-in-law and remove unfounded claims to her.
In a specific conversation with the husband and the parents of the daughter-in-law, the counselor psychologist may well rely on the facts communicated to him by the client. His task is to soften the position of parents and husband, and at least one of these people to attract the daughter-in-law.
In conversation with them, a counselor psychologist can focus the interlocutors' attention on additional problems that they will inevitably encounter if they continue to insist on their own and will not change their attitude towards the daughter-in-law. One of such unpleasant and rather typical consequences is the unresolved nature of this kind of conflict can be the complication of the relationship of future grandchildren with grandparents, the transfer of conflict between adults to the conflict between children and parents.
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